Regretting decision

I’ve heard many say that regretting something isn’t healthy for you.

Like, we live in “what if” moments because of that word.

Well. Today, I’ve learned the hard way about what bicycles with no gears does to your legs.

Yep. I regret that I didn’t ride my fitness bike that has 18 gears and better tires.

I regret thinking it would take 18 minutes to bike 3 miles in LA traffic but it turned it to be 31.

I regret forgetting how horrible sidewalks are in the city of LA and how often my pedals would scrape the lifted sidewalk pieces from the trees the city planted many years ago.

I also regret breathing super heavy in front of that girl that was walking faster than I was pedaling. Now that I think about it, she was probably power walking away from me. What a creep.

… tomorrow, I’m riding the fitness bike.

Small changes but fuck me I’m sweating so much at work right now lol

Oh. I regret not wearing deodorant…

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3 more weeks to go

It’s officially 3 weeks of intermittent fasting. I’ve already lost nearly three inches on my waist. It was more than all the workouts and zumba combined.

I know diet was the answer but I really couldn’t give up my shitty eating habits. Instead, I chose to give up eating shitty to one out of the three meals.

Out of the 24 you’re, I’m fasting 18 of it. Why 18? I tried 16 and found I can really still eat shitty during those times. 18 limits it. A lot.

I found that already, I have more stamina during BJJ classes and I’m able to do more rounds than before. I also realized I don’t get winded as much doing simple things.

It takes 6 weeks for some of the effects to be noticeable but I’m already noticing a big change. So I do have three move weeks to go to see some more changes.

Why the sudden want to change my lifestyle?

Hrmm. I think for me, I’ve realized that I need more than just being able to joke around to court a woman. “If you’re poor, ugly, and short, at least be slim” is what this girl said in a meet-up. I’m not sure if it was directed at me but I took it that way since everyone else was nearly 6 foot tall.

My friend suggested me to do this fasting a couple years ago. My blood pressure wasn’t under control at that time. But now it seems like something I can do.

I’ve already resisted all foods and snacks outside of my window already. I’m doing pretty well.

Uhm… that’s it for now. Thanks for stopping by.

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Baby don’t hurt me

Don’t hurt me, no more~~~

I just realized how behind the times I am. I don’t ever photoshop my pictures to post on blogs. I’m not very articulate with the ideas I’m trying to spit out. So I can understand when I leave people confused bwahahahahaha

My last ex was pretty fine. Probably one of the hottest girls I’ve ever dated. Selfishness seems to go hand in hand with looks. FOB from Korea.

The one before her was very young. 25 turned 26. Probably the youngest adult I’ve dated in my thirties. She was a PK (Pastor’s Kid) but did very unholy things with me. Indonesian Chinese. Very nice… squatting girl.

And right before her, probably the most successful girl I’ve dated. Her own real estate business, multiple properties, slamming body, and very nice. Mainland Chinese.

After reading my friend Connie’s blog, I know where she’s coming from. Many of Us guys are very ungrateful to the women in our lives. I don’t know what it is but I was the one to always tell my friends bro, you’re lucky to have her. For the past few years, my friends have been saying it to me.

I used to blame the women completely but now I see it’s hard to date a guy like me. I’m far from perfect. I have issues of my own. Nowhere near perfection.

Looks? Meh.

Brains? Lulz

Spirituality? Average

An awesome son? Okay at best

Father? Of the year! (Then I saw Chloe Kim’s dad on the Olympics) thanks, dick.

Personality? Fat people are jolly.

All in all, I could’ve been better. Better to all the women involved with me. No excuses. I love games and martial arts. I also love women. A lot.

I’m faithful as fuck when with a woman. I also have unrealistic expectations.

Sexually, only the mainland Chinese kept up. Somewhat. I recall one of our hotel ventures, the next doors (both of them) called a complaint because we were keeping them up all night. Literally. I was unhappy because she really didn’t like being on top. Made me wonder why someone this hot could be so lazy in bed.

The youngest one, she was very sheltered so she wanted to do crazy things with me. She got mad because we wouldn’t fuck in my parking lot. First off, it’s not covered. Second, I’m at an age where I know as fun as that might sound, it’s not worth the sexual charges that come with the police being called. Second, she couldn’t have sex at her place so the only choice left was my pad or hotels, but she didn’t like either. She’d rather have sex in public places like parks and parking lots. Lord help her.

And finally the fob, lazy in bed, super lazy. A dead fish would give me more action than she did. But also, she felt it was a man’s duty to pay for everything.

It seems my issues mostly revolve around physical aspects of the relationship. Am I a great listener? I don’t know.

Physically? I make sure the woman gets hers before I get mine.

Emotionally? Does it tie in with physical needs? I think if she’s fed and happy sexually, it should make her emotionally happy? Maybe impress her with carrying more groceries at once so we can have less trips? Win more dolls at carnivals? Show her I can drink two bottles of soju? Give her massages without expecting hanky Panky? Do small chores around the house without being asked to? Short local trips with just her and me? Remember the small things she likes?

Even if I did all of the above and more, I’d feel like she’s not emotionally happy. I try to see what some of my “happy” friends do that I’m not doing. Well, they’re well off so global trips can’t be compared. They also spend a lot of money at casinos.

I don’t know.

What advice do you ladies have for me?

Bros? Chime in, please?

Don’t hurt me lol

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35 dollars

I went to traffic court yesterday and lost.

The judge deemed my fine was 35 bux.

Eh. Cool, I guess.

35 bux = 264 with all the court fees.

Another 64 dollars to sign up for traffic school.

328 for a 35 dollar fee. Revenue generating at its finest.

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Being a kid

One of my fondest memories of my childhood was being able to see Mike Tyson on TV. Back in the antenna days where you used foil or hangers to do whatever you can to make the Screen clear.

It didn’t stop in high school. To me, he was always the iron mike Tyson. The kid from Brooklyn with the troubled past found someone who groomed him to be the fighter that he was. He gave me hope that us trouble makers on the west coast could one day make it out like he did.

Even when he came out of jail, I didn’t lose respect for him. He was a troubled kid. I felt they were false allegations against him. Coming out, he fought harder opponents. He won some and lost a few.

I see him now on Facebook here and there. YouTube when I’m bored or need workout motivation. I feel like one day I’ll actually be able to meet him.

I’m sure I’d cry tears of joy. I wonder if he could understand what kind of hope he was for troubled youth. Just the thought of taking a selfie makes me feel like being a kid again.

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Bamboozled

Ah. The thrill of online dating.

I’ve hit an all time low and decided to run through CMB and tinder, again. I had my guard up due to cat fishing throughout the years and vowed to never let it happen… a third time…

To my shock, a normal person seemed to have swiped right on me. We talked for a week and decided to meet up for lunch. That was yesterday. What showed up… was something three to four times bigger than what was pictured. I felt SO stupid. So embarrassed. But, it’s not like I’m Brad Pitt so I stood up to hug her.

First thing she says when we sat down was “wow your belly is a lot bigger in person… and you don’t have a neck??”

I don’t get clever with my responses unless I’m talking shit… so I say… I don’t take professional pictures or know how to photoshop… she said wow but you do look like picture. How about me?

I said…. your hair looks the same!

For most of the lunch, it was pleasant conversations. But being the fob that she is, a lot of Korean passive aggressive comments would slide out here and there. She claimed she was 5′ 4. I’m only slightly taller than her. She then said I HAVE to be taller than what I’ve stated I am. I feel like she said this because she’s actually 5′ 2″ or 3″.

Sigh. I get it… height is such a big thing for women. I told her kindly I get my height and weight measured every two months in the military. I know my them well.

Then I felt bad. I told myself bro… you’re not all that and a bag of chips. She’s gone through a lot, just like you. Weight is something you can lose together. You can…

“Hey! Do you have a lazy eye?!”

Me: … what? Are you serious? I don’t think so. Actually, I’ve never even heard anyone say that my entire life until now.

“There’s surgery for that”

Yeah okay. Cool? I have to go to class now…

WHY IS Dating so hard?!

LADIES or guy (I’ve learned the guy I followed closed his account…) have you also been bamboozled on dates?!

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I know

As a person who understands their own predicament pretty well, hearing someone say “at least” before they give you an unwanted obvious fact doesn’t help solve anything.

I’ve recently had a coworker approach me during lunch and tell me what an awesome person her friends daughter is and that we’d be a great match!

I was taken back but not expecting much. She droned on and on about how she loves the Korean language and culture (which made me cringe with uneasiness) and that because I speak Spanish (she’s from Mexico) that we’d get along just fine.

She proceeded to play 50 questions with me and then told me I’d be the best choice for her without a doubt. Then I said that’s awesome! I hope she likes children because I have one…

Without me being able to finish that sentence, she said NOPE! You’re not good enough! No way! You have baggage.

I told her whoa whoa whoa. My daughter committed no sins! Don’t call her baggage. She said “no. But you did! Obviously you did something wrong otherwise you wouldn’t be divorced”

I smiled. The group I was with felt so uneasy but they came to my defense. They told her that my boogerpie was the sweetest girl they’ve ever seen.

When I got back to the office, I felt a little sad. I already have enough trouble telling myself what a good person I am. That I’m worth it… to myself and hopefully to someone else.

Hey… at least you’ve gotten to experience marriage and love! Many people don’t even get that, Dennis!

… uhm.. yeah. I know. So tell me how that’s supposed to make me feel better?

At least I wasn’t born without limbs?

At least I don’t have color blindness?

At least both my parents are still alive?

I don’t see how the obvious solves anything…

Maybe I’m just wired to think differently but telling me something I know doesn’t exactly change the predicament, no?

I’ll work at it…

One day, I’ll find her… and I’ll tell her I’ve been searching for her my entire life …

She’ll look at me, smile… and say “I know”

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Reality Day #1

I didn’t go to work this morning.

All night, there was a fight between the security guard two doors down and some random guy. I don’t know the whole story but it seeped into my dream and eventually woke me up.

The security guard was yelling at some dude either abusing or trying to rape a girl in a car. What ensued was the guard yelling at a guy who kept talking shit whilst slipping backwards calling the guard “a bitch ass nigga”

This went on for twenty minutes. I fell asleep then rinse and repeat the drama every thirty minutes for three hours.

I called my supervisor and let him know the drama.

After napping once and waking up to brunch at noon, I relaxed the rest of the day. Just soaking up my bed and catching up on the news. Watching kitten and puppy videos, wishing I had a shiba.

Out of the blue, my BJJ coach calls me and asks where I’ve been these last two weeks? I bullshit and hung up. Then I took a hard look in the mirror.

Go. Go, you piece of shit. Go get your sweat on! Go see the girl at BJJ who smells nice and is super cute.

After the class, I congratulated her for promoting to blue belt. It felt like she was waiting for me to ask her to roll as we normally do once a week. Instead, I decided to go weight myself. I was gassed out.

193.6 lbs.

holy. Shit. I haven’t weighed myself in 8 months. I assumed I was above 210 lbs. still… bad compared to 168-172 during karate.

Reality check. Get to 188 by the end of February. Love myself. Love myself. Respect myself.

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Facing your mirror

Long time all. It’s been a while since I’ve put any meaningful thoughts into any of my writing so here I go.

Almost three years ago, I lost a part of me that I never should have let go out of trust or fear.

Mimi and I have always been doing karate together. I’d pick her up from school everyday and four times a week we did karate together. I was happy. So happy to be doing that with her. I also sent her to swimming class three times a week. Her life was set. It was an amazing time for her and myself.

I never realized how important she was to me nor how much I meant to her until she was gone. Yes, her mother tricked me into sending her to Hawaii. I never thought a woman I loved could do such a terrible thing to me.

I didn’t listen to my family, friends, or coworkers. I was an Askhole. I’d ask them for advice and didn’t listen. My mom wanted it to be in black and white. My friends tried talking me out of sending her there.

I was in denial. I loved her. I couldn’t accept her back in my life as my wife, I did indeed love her. She gave me many years and for the most part stayed faithful. She stuck by my side when I was a construction worker bringing in pennies. She wasn’t the type of girl who wanted brand name things. But she wasn’t good to my family. She ostracized my mother, wore a mask in front of family and friends so they thought she was all cotton candy.

When she told me “I never said I’ll send her to LA. I SAID ID think about it.” I knew I lost. I lost my daughter. I lost faith in myself. I lost myself.

I couldn’t go to karate anymore. The thought of going to a place where I spent so many years with Mimi hurt me so much. I couldn’t breathe. Everything reminded me of her.

I stopped exercising. I gained thirty pounds. I’ve aged so much. My humor became self deprecating to the point that many of my own friends and family stopped laughing at it. They knew I was hurt.

I’m not fit anymore. I can’t do warmups for karate. I can barely do the physical activities the army requires for me to serve. I don’t even love myself.

I looked at the mirror today for the first time in a long time. Not in the normal way I do like putting on gel and telling myself damn I’m so handsome.

No. I looked in the mirror. I’ve became so ugly. So fat. So sad. I was wondering why a few years ago I’d date attractive girls and now only obese girls seem to like me back in all the dating apps. I’m Fat. I’m old as shit now. And I’m overweight. I eat like shit.

I tried to look away but I forced myself to look. Tears began to stream down my face. I’ve been lying to myself since she moved to Hawaii. I’ve been living for someone else my entire life.

I don’t know how to be happy without my baby. I give her mother a discounted 925 a month now. It still hurts me. I tell myself I’m providing for Mimi but that’s not the truth. My daughter needs me. She stayed with me a long time and during the last three nights with me, she cried.

She cried so much I cried. I’m not a stereotypical Asian American man that has no feelings. I’m probably too soft but I hide it pretty well. She wanted to live with me and her mommy. She asked me why daddy?! Why can’t we live together? I miss being a family.

I couldn’t hold it anymore and told her the truth. She’s only 8 but she needed to know. I told her about me being jobless for two years. Her mother saying she didn’t love me anymore and dating her now stepdad before we even got a divorce.

I told her how I was tricked into sending her to Hawaii and I never should have let her go. She wailed as she said she loved me so much. She said she doesn’t want me to get more fat and die because then she’d really be alone.

I looked in the mirror. Those words rung in my mind. I looked at pictures of a time when we did karate together. I knew I gained weight but denied it having affected me. I pretended I wasn’t depressed but smiling for everybody. I acted like I was cool with seeing Mimi whenever her mother felt like not holding her hostage.

I’ve said this every year… to myself and to others.

But this time, I’m gonna have to lose weight. I’m going to learn to love myself. I’m going to fight this feeling sorry for myself attitude. I gotta go get a piece of this American dream and find some happiness. And most of all, I’m going to live. For myself and Mimi. She’s my reason.

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Common courtesy

One of things that irks me is not responding to texts. 

Yes. I get it. Some people text a lot. 

I’m talking about when you make plans to see this person. She says she wants to hand out. She doesn’t answer. 10 hours later she’s having dinner with her sisters. 

Okay. Glad you’re safe. Was there any reason you couldn’t just text to reschedule? 

She’s a lot younger than me so maybe she plays a factor. 

Grrrrrr.  Please respond to the text. Better to say not interested or rain check than to bail. 

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