Mimi wakes up in 5 hours to get ready to get on a plane by 10. Every time I go to bed, I’m only reminded of how many more restless nights I’ll spend until I get to see her again. I miss all her activities, accomplishments or lack of when she’s not here. When she is here, I do my best to hide it, but the closer it is to her return date, the more anguish i feel.
I wonder how she’ll be without my presence. I worry about her so much. It pains me to the point I don’t wish this on anyone else. How will she be?
Does she understand why I can’t buy her the things she wants?
Will she understand just how much my ex is taking from me?
Will she grow up and know really just how much I love her?
Today, my buddy invited me to six flags. I declined his offer after doing some cost analysis of the trip. I reluctantly had to explain to my baby why I couldn’t send her there or go with her. She said oh.. okay daddy. Could we at least go to a pool? I really want to swim with you.
If I could get an academy award for not crying in front of my daughter, that moment in my life would’ve been it.
Of course, baby. I’d love to. I want to.
I wanted to pour out my heart and tell her everything I wish I could do with her. How I dreamed to be the father she loved spending time with and how we could do all the cool activities together. I wanted to cook for her. Drive her to all the spots I’ve grown accustomed to eating in Ktown. Show her all the taco spots that I think are the best. Take her hiking and fishing all the time. Bowling with the bumpers up. Showing her how to ride a bike without the training wheels, roller blading, skate boarding, body boarding, karate, teach her how to do standup.
I dream about it all. But I couldn’t tell her any of this.
I smiled. Baby, daddy loves spending time with you. I love hearing your stories. Just regular activities of going to school. I know you think it’s boring… but I imagine being there with you.
I gently patted her on the head and sent her off to church.
A few minutes later, my friend called and said… he and his wife wanted to pay for our tickets so we could spend time together.
I had tears coming down my face.
I could describe the day… but it was heaven just to see her run and play. I thank God and my friend for allowing me to spend time with her…
Please. Don’t ever use your child to get back at your ex.
That’s so fucking petty. It’s so disgusting.
You really need help if that’s your way of thinking.
Please. Don’t hate daddy when you grow up.