Long time all. It’s been a while since I’ve put any meaningful thoughts into any of my writing so here I go.
Almost three years ago, I lost a part of me that I never should have let go out of trust or fear.
Mimi and I have always been doing karate together. I’d pick her up from school everyday and four times a week we did karate together. I was happy. So happy to be doing that with her. I also sent her to swimming class three times a week. Her life was set. It was an amazing time for her and myself.
I never realized how important she was to me nor how much I meant to her until she was gone. Yes, her mother tricked me into sending her to Hawaii. I never thought a woman I loved could do such a terrible thing to me.
I didn’t listen to my family, friends, or coworkers. I was an Askhole. I’d ask them for advice and didn’t listen. My mom wanted it to be in black and white. My friends tried talking me out of sending her there.
I was in denial. I loved her. I couldn’t accept her back in my life as my wife, I did indeed love her. She gave me many years and for the most part stayed faithful. She stuck by my side when I was a construction worker bringing in pennies. She wasn’t the type of girl who wanted brand name things. But she wasn’t good to my family. She ostracized my mother, wore a mask in front of family and friends so they thought she was all cotton candy.
When she told me “I never said I’ll send her to LA. I SAID ID think about it.” I knew I lost. I lost my daughter. I lost faith in myself. I lost myself.
I couldn’t go to karate anymore. The thought of going to a place where I spent so many years with Mimi hurt me so much. I couldn’t breathe. Everything reminded me of her.
I stopped exercising. I gained thirty pounds. I’ve aged so much. My humor became self deprecating to the point that many of my own friends and family stopped laughing at it. They knew I was hurt.
I’m not fit anymore. I can’t do warmups for karate. I can barely do the physical activities the army requires for me to serve. I don’t even love myself.
I looked at the mirror today for the first time in a long time. Not in the normal way I do like putting on gel and telling myself damn I’m so handsome.
No. I looked in the mirror. I’ve became so ugly. So fat. So sad. I was wondering why a few years ago I’d date attractive girls and now only obese girls seem to like me back in all the dating apps. I’m Fat. I’m old as shit now. And I’m overweight. I eat like shit.
I tried to look away but I forced myself to look. Tears began to stream down my face. I’ve been lying to myself since she moved to Hawaii. I’ve been living for someone else my entire life.
I don’t know how to be happy without my baby. I give her mother a discounted 925 a month now. It still hurts me. I tell myself I’m providing for Mimi but that’s not the truth. My daughter needs me. She stayed with me a long time and during the last three nights with me, she cried.
She cried so much I cried. I’m not a stereotypical Asian American man that has no feelings. I’m probably too soft but I hide it pretty well. She wanted to live with me and her mommy. She asked me why daddy?! Why can’t we live together? I miss being a family.
I couldn’t hold it anymore and told her the truth. She’s only 8 but she needed to know. I told her about me being jobless for two years. Her mother saying she didn’t love me anymore and dating her now stepdad before we even got a divorce.
I told her how I was tricked into sending her to Hawaii and I never should have let her go. She wailed as she said she loved me so much. She said she doesn’t want me to get more fat and die because then she’d really be alone.
I looked in the mirror. Those words rung in my mind. I looked at pictures of a time when we did karate together. I knew I gained weight but denied it having affected me. I pretended I wasn’t depressed but smiling for everybody. I acted like I was cool with seeing Mimi whenever her mother felt like not holding her hostage.
I’ve said this every year… to myself and to others.
But this time, I’m gonna have to lose weight. I’m going to learn to love myself. I’m going to fight this feeling sorry for myself attitude. I gotta go get a piece of this American dream and find some happiness. And most of all, I’m going to live. For myself and Mimi. She’s my reason.